two excerpts from Me Talk Pretty One Day
by David Sedaris
"David," the teacher said, "this is Miss Samson, and she'd like you to go with her now."
No one else had been called, so why me? I ran down a list of recent crimes, looking for a
conviction that might stick. Setting fire to a reportedly flameproof Halloween costume,
stealing a set of barbecue tongs from an unguarded patio, altering the word on a list of rules
posted on the gymnasium door; never did it occur to me that I might be innocent.
"You might want to take your books with you," the teacher said. "And your jacket. You
probably won't be back before the bell rings."
Though she seemed old at the time, the agent was most likely fresh out of college. She
walked beside me and asked what appeared to be an innocent and unrelated question: "So,
which do you like better, State or Carolina?"
She was referring to the athletic rivalry between the Triangle area's two largest universities.
Those who cared about such things tended to express their allegiance by wearing either Tar
Heel powder blue, or Wolf Pack red, two colors that managed to look good on no one. The
question of team preference was common in our part of North Carolina, and the answer
supposedly spoke volumes about the kind of person you either were or hoped to become. I
had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a
boy didn't care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of
personal taste, saying, "Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds." You could turn up your nose at
the president or Coke or even God, but there were names for boys who didn't like sports.
When the subject came up, I found it best to ask which team my questioner preferred. Then
I'd say, "Really? Me, too!"
Asked by the agent which team I supported, I took my cue from her red turtleneck and told
her that I was for State. "Definitely State. State all the way."
It was an answer I would regret for years to come.
"State, did you say?" the agent asked.
"Yes, State. They're the greatest."
