The Importance of Listening in Interpersonal Relationships, Study notes of Social Work

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Nature of listening

The important of listening

In interpersonal relationships, it builds trust and contributes to a sense of emotional well-being Listening the process of receiving and responding to others’ messages Traditionally focuses on the reception of spoken messages takes place through mediated Channels (some involve written word) Hearing v.s listening Hearing the first stage in the listening process in which sound waves are recurved by a communicator The process in which sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that transmitted to the brain Listening occurs when the brain reconstructs these electrochemical impulses into a representation of the original sound and gives meaning Is not always automatic; people hear but don’t listen, it’s a survival mechanism to automatically/ unconsciously block out irritating sounds

Mindless listening

Mindless listening reacting to other messages automatically and routinely without much mental involvement Harvard professor Ellen langer uses the terms mindless and mindful to describe different ways of attending to stimuli Low-level information processing can be a valuable type of communication Frees your mind to listen to messages that require careful attention The realistic way to manage the onslaught of messages is to be “lazy” toward many of them Unrealistic to devote full attention to stories, chatter, or remarks

Mindful listening

Mindful listening careful and thoughtful attention and responses to other messages You tend to listen mindfully when a message is important to you or someone you care about Example: a grandmother of langer complained of “a snake crawling around” beneath her skull. The problem was senility and she had a brain tumor

Listening styles

Task-oriented listening

Task oriented listening primarily concerned with efficiency Primary focus is business: listeners encourage others to be organized and concise Disadvantages A task orientation may alienate others when it ignores their feelings People with different temperament or cultures it’s Impolite to be direct may not appreciate a strict task-oriented approach Minimize issues and concerns that are important to many businesses and personal transactions

Relational listening

Relational listening primarily concerned with emotionally connecting with others Extroverted, attentive and friendly people use this type Aim to understand how other’s feel: Aware of and highly responsive to others emotions Strive to be nonjudgmental and more interested in understanding and supporting people than evaluating and controlling May lose their detachment and ability to objectively assess information Non-relationally oriented communicators may view them as overly expressive and intrusive

Analytical listening

Analytical listening emphasizes hearing all details of a message and then accessing it from a variety of perspectives The goal is to investigate difficult questions, taking in a wide range of perspectives Valuable in thinking systematically about complex issues Time consuming and impractical

Critical listening

Critical listening evaluates the content of the message Understanding, Assessing their quality, focusing on accuracy and consistency of the message The goal is to investigate a problem Critical listeners can frustrate others by find a fault in minor details

Components of listening

Hearing

The physiological aspect of listening Be diminished by physiological disorders:background noise or auditory fatigue Temporary hearing loss caused by continuous exposure to same tone or loudness: exposed often causes permanent hearing loss Examples:concert and fireworks

Attending

Attending A phase of learning process in which the communicator focuses on a message excluding other messages A psychological process You would go crazy if you attend to every message so, filter out some while focusing on others Skillful communicators attend to both speakers words and nonverbal cues Reinforce the statement: big smile, enthusiasm tone Contrast:downcast eyes, slumped posture, dejected vocal tone Nonverbal learning disorder (physiological syndrome): processing deficient in the right hemisphere of the brain Have trouble making sense of many nonverbal cues The human brain can only process a finite amount of information at one time

Understanding

Understanding a stage in the listening process in which the receiver attaches meaning to a message First be aware of syntactic and grammatical rules of the language and familiar with speaker’s vocabulary and jargon Another factor: knowledge of message’s source and content of what’s being said The ideal in interpersonal listening is to understand and be understood Listening fidelity the degree of congruence between what a listener understands and what the message(sender) was attempting to communicate

Remembering

Remembering A phase of the listening process in which a message is recalled The ability to recall information once understood The number of times information is repeated The amount of information received at once Old true proverb: I hear and forget; I see and I remember People only remember half of what they hear immediately after listening even when listening mindfully In 2 months they forget 50% of original remembering: 25% remembering original message People immediately forget (in 8hrs the 50% rememberer drops to 35%) Forgetting important messages causes relational problems

Responding

Responding A phase of the listening process in which feedback occurs offering evidence that the message has been received People appreciate when responders ask questions or rephrase information Nonverbal cues are important: eye contact, nodding, smiling, gestures, leaning forward Helps sanders and receivers communicate more effectively

Types of listening responses

People are expected to be attentive, understanding, friendly,responsive, able to maintain a conversational flow Good listeners characteristics Ask/answer questions Provide reflective and relevant feedback Offer own perspective Respond nonverbally: make eye contact, nodding head, and lean forward Reflective feedback invites the speaker talks without concerns of evaluation Directive response evaluates the speakers messages The primary goal is to understand, confirm, and mirror what the speaker said The primary goal is to judge the speaker’s message and provide guidance

Silent listening

Silent listening stay attentive and not verbally responsive without offering verbal feedback “Free listening” the free listener asks what the speaker wants to talk about and listens Incorporate cultivating listening skills, connection, empathy and compassion about different topics Results in people doing more to critically reflect on their assumptions and communicative practices A responsive style that can make profit from using and receiving

Questioning

Questioning a listening response in which the receiver seeks additional information from the sender

Reasons to ask sincere non directive questions

To clarify meaning To learn about others feelings, thoughts, and wants A sincere, sensitive, and caring question can draw out opinions, emotions, needs, and hopes Examples: “what do you think about the new plan?” and “how did you hear about the news?” Open questions that allow for a variety of extended responses Ask about personal questions Closed questions that limit the range of possible responses such as questions that seek yes or no answers Example: “how did you feel?” Example:”did you feel angry?” Encourage elaboration Examples: “tell me more about that?” , “I’m not sure that I understand”, “I am following you” Example: “what did you mean when you said he was being unfair?” To encourage discovery Come up with creative problem solving alternatives Example: “so, what do you see as your options?” Indicates you have faith in others ability to think for themselves To gather more facts and details Teachers who ask questions during parent/teacher conference before launching problem solving are more effective communicators Examples: “what did you do then?” and “what did she say after that?” Sincere questions genuine attempt to elicit information from others Aim to understand others Counterfeit questions disguised attempt to send a message rather than elicit information(more direct) Counterfeit question types Trap the speaker: “you didn’t like the movie, did you?” Make statements: “are you finally ready?” Carry hidden agendas: “will you do me a favor?” , “are you busy Friday night?” Seek positive judgement:”how do I look?” Based on unchecked assumptions: “why aren’t you listening to me?” Or “what’s the matter?” speaker: “Bilingual education is just another failed idea of bleeding-heart liberals.” paraphrase: “Let me be sure I understand: You’re mad because you think bilingual ed sounds good, but it doesn’t work?” speaker: “Lee is such a jerk. I can’t believe the way he acted last night.” paraphrase: “You thought those jokes were pretty offensive, huh?” speaker: “Be safe tonight.” paraphrase: “Sounds like you’re worried something’s going to happen to me. Am I right?”

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing restating a speakers thought and feelings in the listeners own words

Paraphrasing statement types

Changing speaker’s words Offer an example ofc what you think the topic is Reflect the underlying theme of speaker’s remarks

Paraphrasing factual information

Summarizing facts, data and details is important during personal/ professional conversations A questioning tone should be used: a listener wants to be sure the meaning has been shared Personal topics are best handled

Paraphrasing personal information

It takes a sensitive ear to listen for other’s thoughts,feelings, and wants The underlying message is often more important: effective listeners try to reflect what they hear at this level 3 domains of human experience cognitive(rational) Affective(emotional) Behavioral (desired action) The key is giving feedback that is appropriate for the situation and offering it to assist the listening process

Empathizing

Emphasizing a listening response that conveys identification with the speakers perceptions and emotions When listeners put the attitude of empathy into verbal and nonverbal responses “Cold comfort” Listeners offer responses that are evaluative and directive Deny others the right to their feelings: “don’t worry about it.” Minimize the significance of the situation Interpreting the event from your perspective and then passing judgement (rarely helpful) Focus on yourself Rain on speaker’s parade Empathetic listening is an expression of affection as it communicates validation and a sense of worth to the message/sender