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It's All About Relationships
Matthew 22:36- “’Teacher,’ he asked, ‘which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ Jesus answered, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like it: Love your neighbor as you love yourself. The whole Law of Moses and the teachings of the prophets depend on these two commandments.’"
As a Director of Christian Education, I often asked the children "What are the two greatest commandments?" Every time without fail they responded, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I explained that they rightly identified the second commandment and then asked what Jesus said was the first? They usually looked at me with a blank stare. It finally occurred to me that perhaps the second commandment resonated with the children because it is reinforced by our culture while the first commandment gets very little support. However, now as I sit with clients in my new role as a counselor, I see how truly significant that first commandment is to be able to follow the second commandment and how both commandments are essential for healthy living. It has become evident to me that the quality of our lives has a direct correlation to the quality of our relationships and our ability to nurture healthy relationships has a direct correlation to the quality of our relationship with God.
As I’ve worked with clients for the last five years certain key ideas about God’s unconditional love have emerged as essential for healthy relationships. Recognizing and understanding these truths can make a huge difference in our ability to love and enjoy one another. As I’ve shared some of these ideas with my clients I thought it might be fun to write them down and so I have, organizing them in three separate sections: (1) God created us for the purpose of relationships; (2) Fear and shame caused by our separation from God interferes with those relationships; (3) Jesus “fixes” those relationships. These articles do not constitute a comprehensive study of the Christian faith but merely share my understanding of God’s unconditional love and express my desire to pass it on.
Table of Contents
Section 1 – God created us for the purpose of Relationships:
God created us in His image so that we can be in a relationship with Him. 5
God gave us autonomy which is a requirement for relationships. 5
Only God can grant autonomy. 5
Since we have autonomy, we control the condition of our heart, mind, and soul. 6
God gave us the ability to reason with Him. 7
God gave us the ability to create with Him. 7
God designed us for relationships. 7
God is in a perfect relationship with the Son and the Holy Spirit – Trinity. God invited us into that relationship. 8
God values a relationship with us. 8
God values the relationships we have with each other. 9
God’s love is abundant. 9
God put us in the Garden where everything was good. 11
Section 2 - Fear and shame caused by our separation from God interferes with those relationships:
The presence of the “Tree of Wisdom” in the Garden reveals the truth that “choice” is essential to relationships. 12
Good and the opposite of good (evil) are both necessary to relationships for without the freedom to choose the relationship, there can be no relationship and without choice, there is no freedom to choose. 12
Good is choosing relationships and as we grow our relationship with God, we learn to trust Him and give up our need to control. 12
As we reach beyond ourselves, our desire for relationships grows and we learn to consider and care for others. 13
Evil is choosing against relationships and when we trust only ourselves we have a need for control. 14
When our focus is on self, our desire is to consider and care only for ourselves. 14
As we recognize that we are all dependent on the redemption of Jesus Christ, we understand
- The story of Adam and Eve explains what happens when we consider ourselves equal to God.
- and the fear of that evil destroys us.
- and the shame cuts us off from His life giving Spirit. When we consider ourselves equal to God, we realize we have chosen against God (evil)
- a fallen state – forever separated from God having chosen independence from God. Paradise. If we (Adam and Eve) had eaten from that tree we would live forever in
- We suffer from all the wrong choices of our ancestors.
- We suffer from the consequences of those wrong choices.
- We suffer from the influence of their example tempting us to make the same wrong choices.
- Our concept of “Fear the Lord” can negatively affect our relationship with God.
- We may fear God because we don't understand His love for us.
- hurt ourselves and each other. We may fear God because He is all powerful and could protect us and yet, He allows us to
- We are aware of our imperfections and ashamed to be in God's presence.
- We are afraid people will hurt us so we build protective walls to keep others at a safe distance.
- We are ashamed of the ways we hurt others.
- Jesus’ reconciliation frees us from our fear. Section 3 - Jesus “fixes” those relationships
- Jesus was victorious over death so we no longer have to fear death.
- Death is no longer the end.
- Death is Nothing at All
- Death is the beginning of a new life in a place where there is no evil.
- Jesus reconciled us with God
- Jesus’ reconciliation frees us from our shame.
- The blood of Jesus has washed us clean.
- God sees the righteousness of Jesus when He looks at us.
- Jesus helps us understand that God sees past our sin.
- Jesus has redeemed our poor choices and righted the wrong.
- Jesus’ resurrection lets us know that Jesus is always with us.
- Jesus made it known that nothing can separate us from God’s love.
- Jesus is the New Covenant
- Jesus made it known that God’s love is sufficient for all our needs.
- Jesus ushered in God’s Kingdom and invited all to enter in.
- Jesus’ redemption transforms this world as we invite him into our lives.
- Jesus baptizes us with the Holy Spirit.
- The Holy Spirit helps us.
- The Holy Spirit comforts us.
- The Holy Spirit gifts us.
- Jesus has redeemed all the pain and suffering of this world.
- He can walk with us through our physical pain. Because Jesus suffered greater physical pain than anyone,
- He can show us how to endure our emotional pain. Because Jesus suffered greater humiliation than anyone,
- He can comfort us when we feel alone. Because Jesus suffered greater abandonment than anyone,
- Jesus reconciles us with others.
- reconciled with others. As we recognize Jesus’ authority over everything in heaven and on earth we are
- (Matt. 18:23-35/Parable of the Unforgiving Servant) that we have no right to judge others and others have no right to judge us.
- As we receive God’s forgiveness, Jesus helps us to forgive others.
- As Jesus heals our wounds, we are free to forgive those who wounded us.
- As Jesus frees us from the fear of others, we are free to forgive them.
Section 1 – God created us for the purpose of Relationships:
God created us in His image so that we can be in a relationship with Him.
Genesis 1:27 – “So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
I have often wondered why we don’t spend more time on this scripture. It’s such a huge idea! In the beginning of the Bible God has basically said, "Kids, you have in your DNA the possibility of resembling me. Pay attention, learn from Me and you will become just like Me." Whoa!!! I can’t help thinking that if we did spend more time sharing this truth, it would inspire us to spend our lives in pursuit of nothing less!
At first we may think it is overreaching. God is Holy and we are sinners. God is omnipotent, omniscient, omni-present and loves unconditionally. We are none of those things. And yet, God sent His Son to redeem us and reveal Himself to us. And then He poured out His Spirit to transform us so perhaps that is exactly what God had in mind when He created us.
The Westminster Catechism states that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. I can’t think of anything more glorifying than wanting to be just like Him. And nothing could be more enjoyable than learning how to love as He loves! Others suggest that God created us to praise Him, but perhaps that is because God knows praising Him is the best route to resembling Him.
Many years ago I attended a workshop for Youth leaders where Mark Devries was the speaker. It was an outstanding workshop and I left with lots of material but the one thing that made the biggest impact was the idea that our children will resemble us whether they want to or not. Therefore, our concern should be more about who “we” are and the image “we” are giving them than who “they” are and the things “they” are doing. What they see us do as parents has a much greater influence on who they become than any rules or consequences we may enforce. When we apply that same principle to our Heavenly Father, we realize the time we spend praising God with our focus on His image portrayed by His Son will have a far greater influence on who we become than the time we spend focusing on how we are following His rules. It makes me wonder if perhaps we should spend less time in our Christian Communities critiquing our own behavior and more time in God’s presence worshipping His.
God gave us autonomy which is a requirement for relationships.
The reason healthy relationships are so wonderful is the same reason they are so difficult – both parties give up any kind of control over the other person. If we try to “force” the other person to agree with us, obey us, or love us in any specific way, the relationship dies. However, when we are free to choose the relationship with compassion, understanding, and a desire to forgive and bless, the relationship blossoms and grows. God has shown us how to have these healthy relationships by giving us the freedom to choose a relationship with Him. As we experience His unconditional love, He shows us how to pass it on!
Only God can grant autonomy.
Every now and then the idea of machines becoming autonomous stirs the creative juices of those in Hollywood and we get a movie such as I Robot and a TV show like Person of Interest. It is an entertaining concept but one that’s not very plausible. Mankind has the ability to create wonderful things but we do not have the ability to give those things autonomy. Only God can do that. However, in regards to those creations, I find it fascinating how Hollywood usually has the machine perceiving its creator as the enemy and if/when the machine does become autonomous, it tries to destroy
remembers what is safe. It steers my choices and must be protected at all costs because what I believe as truth dictates the life that I choose.
Finally, I have total control over my soul. It is totally up to me whether I choose or reject God (John 3:16). Do I choose to receive His unconditional love as His treasured child, subject to His authority, receiving His wisdom, and dependent on His mercy? Or do I choose to go it alone? He has given me the freedom to make that choice because a relationship must be chosen. Love cannot be forced. So, while I have no control over anyone else’s soul, I do have complete control over my own and can blame no one but myself if I miss out on the love, the joy, and the glory experienced through a relationship with the God who created me and loves me perfectly.
God gave us the ability to reason with Him.
Philosophy was one of my favorite subjects in college. It was fascinating to read the “reasoning” of all the great philosophers. In fact, my decision to write this document came from a desire to put “my” reasoning down on paper. I have found over the years many have the opinion that believing in Jesus Christ is similar to believing in Santa Claus. It’s a lovely idea that makes life a little sweeter but it’s just a lovely idea. Over the last 30 years as I studied the Bible and read the work of countless theologians I discovered that Christianity has more excellent “reasoning” than any of the other philosophers I have read. And I am not alone. One of the reasons I enjoy C.S. Lewis so much is the fact that he was a great scholar who was also an atheist. One day someone challenged him to take the time to critically look into the man named Jesus and so he did. Using his great critical skills (which he shares with us in so many of his books), he discovered that if one actually looks at all the evidence and uses their ability to reason which was given them by their Creator, there is only one conclusion to be made -- Jesus is Lord.
God gave us the ability to create with Him.
There are those who believe humans evolved from other species and although I don’t agree, I see no reason for the debate. I don’t think it matters how God created us as long as we recognize we were created in God’s image and we have many qualities that are unique to our species. One of those is our ability to create. I know other animals build homes but art, music, dance, sport, cooking, architecture, poetry, fashion, and so many other avenues of creativity are peculiar to the human species. And from what I have observed, we get tremendous pleasure out of the creative experience. In fact, when we cease to create we often suffer depression and anxiety for the simple reason -- we were created to create!
God designed us for relationships.
I will never forget an experience I had my freshman year at Muskingum College. It was a lovely school with lots of friendly people but it was the first time in my life when I lived in a place where no one knew me. I had this feeling that if the earth opened up and swallowed me, people might wonder why they had not seen me for a while but no one would really miss me. One day when I was feeling especially lonely I can remember sitting on the floor of my dorm room with my back against the door sobbing. I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by wonderful people. Fortunately, I soon got to know all those wonderful people and thoroughly enjoyed my experience at Muskingum College. However, until I made connections and developed those relationships, I was miserable.
Since that time, I have experienced over and over again how closely my emotional health is linked to the health of my relationships. My level of joy and peace is directly connected to how I am relating with the people in my life. All of the joy I experience involves positive interactions with people and except for the times when I’ve been physically ill, all of my suffering has involved negative interactions with people.
Even with my failures, my unhappiness stems from my concern over how that failure will affect those I love. And I have noticed in observing others (throughout history as well as in the present), I am not unique in this. Neither talent, I.Q., economic situation, physical beauty, etc., etc., affects the quality of our lives as greatly as the quality of our relationships.
So, if we were created for relationships and need healthy relationships to enjoy a rich and happy life, I cannot help wondering why we spend so little time with the Master of Relationships. We teach our children the golden rule and grade them on their social skills and yet we hesitate to direct them to the One who can give them the greatest instruction. Perhaps part of the problem is the way Christians have misrepresented Jesus and misunderstood the role of God’s Law. God gave us His Law to help us with our relationships and sent Jesus to make sure we understood -- “The Sabbath was made for man not man for the Sabbath” Mark 2:27 and “The Greatest Commandment is Love” Matthew 22:36-39. And yet, we have largely misunderstood. Too often our churches worship God’s law focusing on our sin revealed by our inability to obey that law instead of focusing on God’s love revealed by Jesus’ grace. Maybe it is because we prefer to be in control and it is easier to try and control each other by keeping track of how we obey God’s law than it is to control God’s gracious love. Whatever the reason, many have been greatly wounded by our legalistic tendencies and instead of being drawn to Jesus’ unconditional love and grace, society hears the demands of a rigid law.
God is in a perfect relationship with the Son and the Holy Spirit – Trinity. God invited us into that relationship.
The Trinity -- God in Three Persons -- is one of the more difficult concepts to grasp. How can God be 1 person and 3 persons all at the same time? Many have tried to explain it in various ways but what is most helpful to me is to understand them in relationship. God is Love and in order for there to be love there has to be an equal flow of give and take; service and gratitude; appreciation, admiration and emulation. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit share that with each other perfectly and hence there is Holy Love. The GOOD NEWS -- they welcome us in to that circle of perfect love. We do not belong there because of our brokenness but Jesus invited us in and covered our sin, so we are welcome. As we spend time in that circle, we are transformed, and our love begins to resemble Theirs.
God values a relationship with us.
One night I was praying over my middle son after he had fallen asleep. He had been particularly unkind to his younger brother that day and I was asking God to help me teach him how to be kinder. While I was praying it occurred to me that if I had the power to control his will and make him be nice, I would do it. As I stood there trying to imagine what that would look like, it dawned on me that God has that power but refuses to use it. All of a sudden I felt this tremendous love for our amazing Creator who loves us too much to manipulate us. Instead, He sent His son to redeem us.
I began to understand that if God took control of our choices to make this a kinder, gentler world we would no longer have the autonomy we needed to enjoy a unique and distinctive relationship with Him. I realized that if I took control of my son, he would no longer be my son. He would simply be an extension of me. I decided that if God valued a relationship with me enough to give me the freedom to mess up His world, I would value the relationship I had with my son enough to respect his freedom. And if God loved me enough to sacrifice His Son so that I could have a relationship with Him in spite of the mess I made, I would sacrifice whatever time and effort it took to show my son that same kind of love.
Many who read this parable feel a terrible injustice has been done to the older brother. He is the one who should be rewarded for his faithful service, not the son who squandered the family riches. Others doubt the younger son's true repentance and wonder how long it will be until he gets tired of the work and leaves again. Still others think the father foolish to so quickly take him back into the fold. And even those who can relate to the younger brother have trouble believing there could be such free forgiveness.
Another parable that makes us squirm is The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). A landowner hires laborers early in the morning and agrees to pay them the usual daily wage. He goes out again at 9:00, 12:00, 3:00 and 5:00 and hires additional laborers agreeing to pay them a fair wage. At the end of the day he pays those who were hired last, first, and gives them all a day's wage. When those who were hired at the beginning of the day see what those who were hired at 5:00 receive, they get very excited, imagining what the landowner will be paying them since they worked all day. Much to their dismay, they get the same wage. When they complain to the landowner, he reminds them that he has paid them exactly what they had agreed upon.
Here again most of us who read this parable feel that an injustice has been done. How is it fair that those who work in the hot sun all day long get the same wage as those who only work for an hour in the cool of the day? It just does not seem right.
But I wonder if one of the reasons we have trouble with these parables is the lens through which we read them. We look at life through a worldly view of limitations while God in His Kingdom has no limitations. Families and corporations have a finite amount of resources so they need to be distributed fairly, and members of those families and corporations have a finite number of hours in the day so the work should be doled out equally. Jesus came to give us a Kingdom perspective that takes us beyond those limitations. Jesus came to show us there is no limit to God's supply. God’s offer of salvation is to everyone and His relationship with us satisfies every need and fulfills every desire. The older brother and the day long workers could not see that abundance. The older brother couldn’t see that the joy the father felt in welcoming the lost son didn't lessen the joy he felt towards his older son who had remained faithful all those years. And the workers couldn’t see that the wage someone else received didn't lessen the value of the wage they received. God's love is available to everyone and sufficient to bless every life in every situation.
Another mistake that I see us making all the time is thinking God has to obey the same laws of time and space that limit us. We can only be in one place at a time, tending to one affair at a time; hence we have to prioritize. God, on the other hand, is in all places at all times, able to tend to everyone and everything. I wince every time I hear a sports commentator criticizing a player for thinking that God cares about their sporting event. Surely God has better things to tend to. The GOOD NEWS -- God is big enough to tend to everything so He's able to care about everything. God wants us to seek His help and enjoy His companionship with everything we do.
And finally, it is hard for us to believe in this world of comparing and competing that there are no favorites or requirements. We are a little skeptical that Jesus would offer the gift of eternal life to everyone and anyone, regardless of the way the world values them. Could it really be true that all we have to do to enjoy God's favor is to desire God and recognize what Jesus did for us? Surely there must be more for which we are responsible? However, if this is true, and we recognize that we are made right with God because of what Jesus did for us and it had nothing to do with anything we have done for ourselves, than perhaps we will be so grateful that we will not care if the person whose sin is more severe than ours is included. Maybe we won’t worry about the fact that we worked really, really hard and the other person hardly worked at all. Maybe we will be so grateful , we will want everyone to join in the celebration.
God put us in the Garden where everything was GOOD. (Genesis 1:31)
The subject of suffering can be very confusing. We read scriptures that suggest God’s plan for our lives includes suffering but we see Jesus relieve suffering wherever He went. We cannot find any stories where Jesus said to those who came to him for healing, “Sorry, God wants you to suffer a little bit more.” Instead He tells those who are weary and heavy laden to come to Him for relief (Matthew 11:28-30). And He tells his disciples to go out into the world to heal the sick and ease their suffering (Matthew 10:1). And yet, one cannot deny the countless scriptures where God seems to require that His children suffer.
So, which is it? We know we can never fully understand God’s ways for then we would be God. However, Jesus told us to continuously seek greater understanding (Matthew 7:7-8) so maybe it is okay if we pore over the scriptures in an effort to figure out this apparent contradiction.
At the very beginning of God’s Word, we find the story of creation and then the story of Adam and Eve in this beautiful Garden of Eden. Adam represents mankind and Eve is “woman.” Through this story we understand that God created a beautiful world for His children and everything was good. God and His children were in perfect harmony walking together freely until the children ate from “the tree” and felt they had to hide (Genesis 3:8, 9). So, perhaps our suffering is connected to the reason the relationship between God and His children was broken. We know that they lived together in peace until the serpent showed up and brought with him a lie that ruined everything. He convinced Woman that God's warning was not to be taken seriously. God did not really mean that they would die if they ate from the Tree of Knowledge. He was so convincing that Woman began to wonder if God could be trusted. Perhaps she was a better judge of what was best for her than God. Believing this lie, she made the fatal mistake and bit into the fruit and then offered it to Man. Their eyes were open to the evil that God had warned would destroy them. They were afraid and they were ashamed.
Now, we also know in the story there was a Tree of Life in this beautiful Garden. The fruit of this tree was like the Fountain of Youth - eat the fruit and you live forever. The story explains that God did not want to risk the chance that His children would eat this fruit and live forever in a broken relationship, so they had to leave. They could no longer live in the Garden where everything was good for they no longer trusted God's love. They now believed they knew what was best, choosing to be their own gods in rebellion against God so they had to leave God’s perfect Paradise.
This story suggests that our suffering has everything do with our free will and not trusting God. However, there are other stories in the Bible when God asks His children to endure suffering specifically because they trust Him. So, I wonder, as we look at the whole of God’s Word, if perhaps our concern over “suffering” is misplaced. Perhaps if we focus on the beauty of the Garden (Kingdom) and the joy of walking with God in this Garden (Kingdom), we won’t care so much about what we suffer on earth. Perhaps if we concentrate on the truth that God created us for a place where everything was GOOD and sent His Son Jesus to make it possible for us to walk with Him in that place forever, what we suffer in this place may no longer be quite so important.
Good is choosing relationships and as we grow our relationship with God, we learn to trust Him and give up our need to control.
One of my least favorite phrases is not actually found in the Bible even though many Christians quote it as if it is, “God helps those who help themselves.” I do not mind it so much when it is used in conjunction with the Serenity Prayer, “ God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” If people are helping themselves to change those things that God has given them the wisdom to change, then God will definitely help them. Unfortunately, we often try to change and control things that are not ours to control by forcing our will upon the will of someone else. Those are the times when we should be letting God help instead of determining to help ourselves.
However, trusting God to help is probably the hardest thing in the world to do. How do we trust a God we cannot see, hear or touch? How do we believe in Someone who we hear others talking about but with Whom we have had no experience?
The word “experiment” comes to mind. If we look honestly at our lives, everything we believe in and accept as truth is a result of experimentation. There is a reason every parenting handbook encourages the parent to be consistent. The child learns through experimentation what behaviors produce positive consequences and what behaviors result in negative consequences. The child also learns to trust the parent who is consistent. If the parent regularly says yes to good things and no to dangerous things the child begins to believe that the parent really does have his best interest at heart and harmony ensues.
Perhaps our relationship with God works the same way. Perhaps as we ask, seek and knock (Matthew 7:7) and experience God saying yes to good things and no to dangerous things, we too will begin to trust God to have our best interest at heart. At first we may waver between “just a coincidence” and “God answered our prayer” but at some point there are so many “coincidences” we begin to believe “God answered our prayer.”
However, having said that, we always need to remember that although a relationship with God develops as we have our own personal experiences, the Bible and the Christian Community are important protectors in developing a healthy relationship. God’s Book and wise council can help us interpret our experiences so that we don’t get lost along the way.
We also need to be careful we don’t get hung up by forgetting that God has everyone else’s best interest at heart in addition to our own. Forgetting this truth may lead to a self-centered approach to God and cause some confusion. If we expect God to be our own special Magician serving us and our desires, we may find Him to be totally untrustworthy. However, as we experience His perfect love for us and all others , our trust will grow and our need to be in control will diminish.
As we reach beyond ourselves, our desire for relationships grows and we learn to consider and care for others.
One of my favorite books during the early stages of my spiritual journey was Beyond Ourselves by Catherine Marshall. I read it some thirty years ago but will never forget how it opened my eyes to the difference it makes in the quality of life when we reach out beyond ourselves for a relationship with God. Not only does this relationship enrich our lives as God invites us into His Eternal Kingdom but it also opens us up to a deeper level of relating with others. As we get to know God we begin to understand we are all on an equal playing field, equally loved by God and in equal need of a Savior. This truth eliminates jealousy of those we might have thought were above us and pride towards those we mistakenly
thought were below us. It also helps us forgive and extend grace to those who offend us and frees us from any kind of savior complex.
And finally, as we grow our relationship with God, He helps us look past the brokenness and see the beauty in all of His children while at the same time reassuring us that His love is constant and will not give up. We can now afford to share our pain and the pain of those around us because we know God’s love is ultimately victorious. We no longer need to run away or hide but can now stand in the middle of the suffering with the confident knowledge that God is with us and will see us through.
Evil is choosing against relationships and when we trust only ourselves we have a need to control everything.
Control is a tricky thing. If we don’t put any controls on ourselves in society, we have total chaos. However, if we impose the wrong controls we restrict the positive way we relate to God and each other. Everyone is created with unique gifts and talents and a way of engaging God’s world that is peculiar to us. If we live in a society that dictates too stringently what we are allowed to think, say and do, we handicap our development into that unique person which interferes with our ability to develop and nurture healthy relationships.
One of the most frustrating experiences in life is having something to offer and not getting “permission” from those in power to offer it. I remember a conversation I had with an Armenian immigrant at a workshop I attended. He could not say enough wonderful things about this country which provided him the opportunity to grow his own business. It was an opportunity that was not available in Armenia where there were too many restrictions. And then I’ve had the opposite conversation with Directors of Christian Education where they shared their utter frustration because they were not given the opportunity to grow their business. They could not get permission from their church boards to try exciting new programs. There was always someone on their board who was afraid to give up control and try something different.
When we trust God to be in control, we are free to benefit from all the world’s wonderful diversity, variety and creativity because we have Someone we can depend on to reveal the dangerous things we need to avoid. When people trust only themselves, their fear creates an insatiable desire to be in control. The tragedy is that while this control is stifling all freedom, it is not keeping them from danger. In fact, this need for control interferes with the development of Godly wisdom and that lack of wisdom is what leads them into the very danger they were desperate to avoid in the first place.
When our focus is on self, our desire is to consider and care only for ourselves.
In one of the Christmas Classics, A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, Ebenezer Scrooge is a perfect example of someone who lost sight of everything but himself. He could not consider or care for anyone else because his entire focus was on his goal and how he was going to achieve it. It took a miraculous event, well actually 3 miraculous events, to help him look beyond himself and acquire a new perspective.
There is a wonderful book, Safe People, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that helps the reader identify the “safe” people from the “unsafe” people. Often we try to improve our relationship with a friend or family member and can’t understand why our efforts fail. Cloud and Townsend explain that it is impossible to develop a healthy relationship with someone who can’t respect your perspective -- who is not free to consider any perspective other than his own. Therefore, if you are working with someone who can see only his point of view, you will continue to be frustrated. It is far healthier to be as kind and gracious as you can with a servant’s heart but firm boundaries (Boundaries is another great book by these
There was also a Tree of Life in the Garden explaining why God had to send us out of Paradise. If we (Adam and Eve) had eaten from that tree we would live forever in a fallen state – forever separated from God having chosen independence from God.
I forget how old my son was at the time but he was physically stronger than me. It was time to go to piano lessons and he did not particularly want to go. He was sitting on the top step of the front porch and when I sat down next to him he pointed out the fact that I could not physically put him in the car and make him go to his lesson. I agreed with him but then pointed out all the ways I could negatively affect his life if he did not go so it probably would be better for him to go. He conceded my point and chose to go to his piano lesson. As all three of my boys grew into adolescence and then into adulthood my husband and I recognized we had less and less control and now that they are full grown adults, we have absolutely no control. Fortunately they have developed their own wonderful self-control and it is great fun to be their friends.
However, my parenting experiences helped me understand why God had to escort Adam and Eve out of the Garden. When our sons considered themselves equal to my husband and me while they were still under our care and dependent on our wisdom, there was chaos in our home. If we didn’t reestablish our authority the chaos would continue. Only when we helped them understand that we were in charge was peace a possibility. When Adam and Eve considered themselves equal to God, He too had to reestablish His authority and He could only do that by sending them out of His paradise. If Adam and Eve (representing us) were able to eat from the Tree of Life while still independent from God – choosing against God – choosing to be their own gods, they (and we) would be living in a broken relationship with God forever and chaos would reign for eternity.
We suffer from all the wrong choices of our ancestors.
Our strength is our weakness and our weakness is our strength. The personality trait that inspires confidence is the same personality trait that makes it difficult to work with other people. And the essence of our ego that makes us separate from others is attracting us to those others while at the same time desiring to go it alone. If we (Adam and Eve) were not separate from God we would not be able to desire God. And yet, it is being separate with an equal desire to be in charge that gets us into trouble.
We blame Adam and Eve (our ancestors) for all our woes in spite of the fact that we fail the same test over and over again. However, the Bible does suggest that we fail that test and endure the hardships of life because our ancestors failed it first. Genesis 3:23, 24 reads, “therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which he was taken. He drove out the man; and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim, and a sword flaming and turning to guard the way to the tree of life.”
That always seemed a little unfair to me as did the 3rd^ commandment, Exodus 20:4-6, “You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them ; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.”
However, I now realize that what we do has very real consequences and those consequences do not just affect us. They are like a ripple in the water or the wings of a butterfly. Their effects go on forever.
There is a great children’s book, Andrew’s Angry Words, by Dorothea Lachner. In this book the author follows the negative impact of the angry words Andrew speaks to his sister. It’s a great lesson on the power we have to be a blessing or a curse in everything we think, say, or do. It’s also a reminder of how desperately we need the redeeming grace of Jesus Christ. The knowledge of all the ways we have negatively impacted the world would be overwhelming without that grace.
We suffer from the consequences of those wrong choices.
As Director of Christian Education I met with many parents who did not want to force their children to attend church and/or Sunday school. They believed very strongly that it needed to be their choice. As children these parents were forced to go to church and they wanted Christianity to be a totally positive experience for their children, not one that was forced upon them. I would remind the parents that they were forcing their children to go to school to learn how to read and do math equations, running the risk of turning them against reading and math for the rest of their lives but very few saw the correlation. I would explain that children who do not know how to read have a much harder time choosing to read a book just as children who are not introduced to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit have a much harder time choosing a relationship with God. It usually fell on deaf ears. The GOOD NEWS -- it is never too late to learn how to read and it is never too late to choose a relationship with God.
We suffer from the influence of their example tempting us to make the same wrong choices.
One of my favorite phrases is “Non anxious playful presence.” It is one of the phrases I use often with parents. Just as God helps us by letting us know that everything is going to be all right (Jesus set everything right -- John 3:16), we too can help our children by letting them know that every thing is going to be all right. Parents who experience the peace of the Lord have a much easier time influencing their children to also experience that same peace. I remember when my youngest son was in elementary school a good friend of his had parents who were getting divorced. One day when I went in to say good night he asked me all kinds of questions that led up to the “real” question, “Do I have to worry about you and Daddy getting a divorce?” I was glad I could confidently answer “no” and explain to him why there was no reason for him to worry. I explained that both his father and I believed God wanted us to be married and would help us find solutions to any problems that came our way. Life is really hard and without God’s help problems can be too much for a marriage to survive. If both of the parents do not know to look to God for help and trust that God will show them a solution that works for both parents, sometimes it’s best for the parents to go their separate ways. Fortunately for him, both of his parents know God and know that God will help them find a way through any challenges that life may present.
The world is a frightening place as it is constantly telling us there is much to be afraid of. Unfortunately, fear often leads us to the wrong choice. If we seek God’s wisdom, He can help us identify what we are afraid of and help us replace the lie we are believing with the truth. Just a few of the lies that lead us astray: “I am all alone and no one cares;” “I am nothing but a miserable failure;” “I need _____ to be happy;” “I am responsible for my children’s happiness and all the choices my children make;” “Death is the end.”
Eve believed the serpent instead of God. When we follow her example, we have much to be afraid of. However, if we chose to ignore the enemy and believe our Creator, we have nothing to fear and that freedom always leads to a better choice.
their sake.’ Abraham answered, ‘Let me take it upon myself to speak to the Lord, I who am but dust and ashes. Suppose five of the fifty righteous are lacking? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five?’ And he said, ‘I will not destroy it if I find forty-five there.’ Again he spoke to him, ‘Suppose forty are found there.’ He answered, ‘For the sake of forty I will not do it.’ Then he said, ‘Oh do not let the Lord be angry if I speak. Suppose thirty are found there.’ He answered, ‘I will not do it, if I find thirty there.’ He said, ‘Let me take it upon myself to speak to the Lord. Suppose twenty are found there.’ He answered, ‘For the sake of twenty I will not destroy it.’ Then he said, ‘Oh do not let the Lord be angry if I speak just once more. Suppose ten are found there.’ He answered, ‘For the sake of ten I will not destroy it.’ And the LORD went his way, when he had finished speaking to Abraham; and Abraham returned to his place.
My conversation with God went something like this: Me: Why do you let women who are completely selfish and cruel have children? God: What is “completely selfish?” What constitutes “cruel”? Would “cruel” include women who make poor choices and end up financially strapped with little support? Or what about women who don’t know Me yet and are therefore unable to introduce Me to their children? Or what about women who are so full of fear that they smother their children? Where do I draw the line? If I only allowed women who are sinless to have children, there would be no children. Don’t forget all the ways you have hurt your children. And yet I’m awfully glad you gave birth to them so I could enjoy a relationship with them. Besides, Jesus came to redeem your sins as well as all the sins of all those other mothers. Your children and all the children are My children and My love will ultimately heal their wounds.
We are aware of our imperfections and ashamed to be in God's presence.
Many years ago our church purchased several videos for our adult education program. These videos provided excellent studies from well-known theologians without the expense of bringing them to our campus. One of my favorite stories from these videos was told by Tony Campollo. He shared the story of a young man who came to his office one day concerned that he was having a crisis of faith. After sharing his story Tony explained that there was nothing wrong with his faith. He just wanted to do something that he knew would affect God’s disapproval and it was far more convenient to do away with God than to deal with His disapproval.
I wonder if this young man read the same article I read from a published psychiatrist. I don’t remember the author or the publication but the content stuck with me. The author made the case that guilt was the greatest contributor to depression and anxiety and a belief in God causes our guilt. Get rid of God and you get rid of guilt. Get rid of guilt and you get rid of anxiety and depression. Sounds rather simple. Unfortunately the author doesn’t deal with the fact that we are created in the image of God with an inborn compass. He ignored the reality that nobody has to tell us -- preacher, parent, teacher, or God -- when we have done something hurtful. We know in the innermost part of our being that we are “wrong.” Now, there are some people who are missing this inborn monitor and there is a diagnosis for that, “Personality disorder.” However, people who are healthy “know” when they have done something wrong and they feel “guilty.” And yet, I do agree with the psychiatrist that guilt is the greatest contributor to our anxiety and depression. Where he went wrong was suggesting that God is the cause of our guilt when in fact, He is the one who can help us be free of it. (see Section 3).
We are afraid people will hurt us so we build protective walls to keep others at a safe distance.
There is a popular saying - “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I have often thought that the shame should always fall on the one doing the fooling no matter how many times they try to fool someone but I guess the author of the saying thinks it is our responsibility to be clever enough not
to be fooled more than once. Either way the saying is good proof that there is a lot of “fooling” going on out there. We have good reason to be afraid of getting hurt -- it happens every day.
When I work with clients who are lonely it’s often because they have had a disproportionate number of hurtful people in their lives and so they have retreated to the safety of their own space and erected walls for protection.
It’s a challenge to encourage them to tear down their walls and try once again (armed with new tools) to seek out safer people especially since no one is completely safe and there is no way to guarantee they won’t get hurt again. This is the major reason why I like to point to Jesus if my clients allow. He is the only one whose love is completely safe and consistently available.
As a counselor I do my best and always encourage my clients to please let me know if they are not feeling safe in my office. And while I have had clients let me know so that I could apologize and reestablish safety, I am sure there have been those who were not able to communicate their hurt and left my office wounded.
We are ashamed of the ways we hurt others.
You can always tell when someone thinks they are guilty by the way they proclaim their innocence. I recognize from my own experience that when I knew I was guilty and had time to “worry” about it, I came up with really good proclamations of innocence. How does that saying go? “I think you protest too much.” We have all been created with an ego that hates to be “wrong.” We hate it so much that we go to great lengths to prove to everyone including ourselves that we are “right.”
One of the first things you’re taught in a communications class is the art of listening - learning how to concentrate on what the other person is saying instead of working on your rebuttal. Some suggest you repeat what the person said back to them to make sure that you understood what they said but that can be annoying. I have found it works better to repeat what I thought they said in my own words so they know I was listening and trying to understand. However, that can be quite the challenge because it often involves admitting to myself (and others) that I may have misunderstood, that there may be another perspective worth considering, that I may have been “wrong .” And then there are those occasions when it becomes completely obvious that I was “wrong.” On those occasions I convince myself first and then try to convince others that it was not my fault that I was “wrong.” I come up with wonderful excuses and plausible reasons why I was “right” in being “wrong.” The problem with this strategy is it doesn’t lead anywhere. If I am not willing to admit that choices I made contributed to the “wrong,” then I am not able to identify what those choices are. And if I can’t identify them, I can’t change them, and if I don’t change them, I keep making them over and over and over again.
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