HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
Screenplay
by
Douglas Adams
Based on the book
"The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
by
Douglas Adams
Revisions
by
Karey Kirkpatrick
8/8/03
3rd Revised Draft
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hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, Exams of Voice
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D). The second most intelligent creatures were, of course, dolphins who curiously enough had long known of the impending.
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HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
Screenplay
by
Douglas Adams
Based on the book
"The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
by
Douglas Adams
Revisions
by
Karey Kirkpatrick
3 rd Revised Draft
1 OVER DARKNESS... 1
...we hear what we will come to know as the VOICE OF THE GUIDE. GUIDE VOICE It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. A small square image appears on screen. Home video. The dolphin stadium at Sea World. GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D) For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the third most intelligent which was, in fact, entirely accurate. The dolphins perform; leaping through hoops, etc. GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D) The second most intelligent creatures were, of course, dolphins who curiously enough had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth. They had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so they eventually decided they would leave Earth by their own means. They leap madly, desperately. Higher and higher... GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D) The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double- backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner" but in fact the message was this... " So long and thanks for all the fish." TITLES ROLL - (FULL SCREEN 35 mm IMAGES) Dolphins leap over and interact with the opening titles. Breathtaking somersaults, back flips, choreographed to a Buzby Berkley-style song called, "SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH." We end with a wide shot of all the dolphins jumping out of the top of frame, but they never come back down. TILT UP to a starry night sky - the dolphins have vanished. END TITLES As night turns to morning, we hear CLICK, then... VOICE ON RADIO ...as well as Sea World Orlando and San Diego reporting their dolphins have mysteriously disappeared overnight. CUT TO:
5 CONTINUED: 5
The bulldozer driver, looking guilty, ducks behind the steering wheel. Prosser removes plans from his briefcase. PROSSER Look. These plans have been on display at the planning office now for a year. ARTHUR On display? I had to go down to a cellar! PROSSER That's the display department. ARTHUR I eventually found them in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'beware of the leopard'. PROSSER Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you? ARTHUR How much? PROSSER None at all. FORD (O.S.) (American accent) Arthur! Arthur and Prosser turn to see a man cresting a hill, pushing a shopping cart which is filled with beer and bags of peanuts. This is FORD PREFECT. Wiry, intense. As he heads downhill, he leaps up and rides the cart down towards Arthur's house — like a kid in a supermarket. He rolls right past Arthur and the bulldozers. ARTHUR Ford? He leaps off, drags the cart to a full stop. FORD Arthur! There you are. Here drink and eat with me. We need to talk. ARTHUR Er, um...now's not the best time, Ford They're going to demolish my home, FORD Whoa. You already know? How? Arthur simply motions to the bulldozer.
5 CONTINUED: ( 2 ) 5
FORD (CONT'D)
Oh. When you say "they" you mean they. Got it. Listen, I gotta tell you something important, and I gotta tell you now. ARTHUR But what about my house? Ford looks to Prosser who is conferring with the bulldozer driver. He pushes the cart over to him. ARTHUR - watches as Ford gestures to Prosser who waves his hand and the all the 'dozer engines die. The bulldozer drivers step down, start drinking the beer and eating the peanuts. Ford returns to Arthur. FORD C'mon. Let's go to the pub. He said they won't destroy your house until they've finished the beers. ARTHUR Can we trust him? FORD I'd trust him to the end of the Earth. ARTHUR And how far's that? FORD About twelve minutes away. CUT TO: 6 INT. VILLAGE PUB - MIDDAY 6 Ford and Arthur enter the half-full pub. Ford hurries to the bar. Arthur follows, cell phone to his ear. FORD Six pints of bitter. And quickly. The world's about to end. BARMAN Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it. He starts to pull pints. Ford shoves bar peanuts into his pockets while Arthur shouts into his phone... ARTHUR Well, when does he get back from lunch? Or is he going straight out for tea?! He shuts the phone, sits, looking forlorn. ARTHUR (CONT'D) This is shaping up to be a crap day.
7 QUICK CUT TO A STREET - MID-DAY 7
Ford stands in the middle of the road, extending a hand to a fast approaching car. Arthur drops his shopping, dives at him and tackles him out of the way as the car zooms past. ( 6 cont) BACK TO FORD IN THE PUB: ( 6 cont) FORD Didn't you find it a little strange that I was trying to shake hands with a car? ARTHUR I assumed you were drunk. FORD (shaking his head) I thought cars were the dominant life form. I was trying to introduce myself. ARTHUR And that's why you're named after a discontinued car from the seventies? FORD (nodding) You saved my life that day. Now I'm saving yours. Arthur just stares at him, then turns to his beer. ARTHUR This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. FORD Look, if it's about your house... ARTHUR No, it's not that. It's.... He shows Ford the photo of he and Tricia on his phone. ARTHUR (CONT'D) I found her. Ford. The perfect girl. I found her, and then I let her get away. You remember that fancy dress party I told you about? FORD This isn't a long story, is it? We've only got six minutes. Arthur shakes his head. Ford checks his watch.
6 CONTINUED: ( 2 ) 6
FORD (CONT'D)
Okay. Talk and drink. Fancy dress party. ARTHUR At that flat in Islington. I told you about it. Last week, remember? FLASHBACK TO: 8 INT. ISLINGTON FLAT - NIGHT 8 Crowded flat. Everyone is in costume. Loud music BLARES. ARTHUR (V.O.) I can't bear those sort of parties, didn't want to go, would have much rather stayed home and, I don't know, brush the dog. Anything. But there I was - - and then, there she was... Arthur, dressed in safari attire complete with pith helmet, sits off to the side, observing, looking miserable. TRICIA (O.S.) Who are you? Arthur looks up. TRICIA MCMILLAN is dressed in a mid 19 th century mens suit with mutton chop sideburns and is holding a taxidermy beagle - - and she still looks beautiful. Arthur, ever the gentleman, stands. ARTHUR I'm Arthur. Arthur Dent. TRICIA No, I mean who are you? ARTHUR Oh, the costume. Right. Er, um... (sheepishly tipping his hat) Livingston, I presume. (pointing to her attire) Granted. Not as clever as Darwin, but the best I could do on short notice. TRICIA You're the first person who's got it right. Everyone keeps calling me Sherlock. ARTHUR Really? I thought the beagle made it rather obvious.
9 CONTINUED: 9
She nods. Arthur isn't sure how to react. ARTHUR (CONT'D) Well...that's...an extraordinary proposition. But...I can't just up and go. What about my job? TRICIA Quit. Get a new one when we return. ARTHUR I can't just...what about my house? Who would feed my dog? TRICIA Bring him with. ARTHUR He's a Welsh Collie. He'd feel all out of place in Madagascar. Trillian forces a smile, clearly disappointed. ZAPHOD (O.S.) You don't want to go to Madagascar. They both turn to face ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX - very charming, extremely handsome - whose attire seems very "other worldly." Knee high boots, a yellow sash... ZAPHOD (CONT'D) Hi. I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Galaxy - - of course, you probably already know that. I'm headed for a lost and distant planet. Would you like to see my spaceship? ARTHUR (V.O.) I went to refresh our drinks. When I came back, she was gone. 10 EXT. BACK IK THE PUB - CONTINUOUS 10 Arthur stares into his beer, plagued by this loss. ARTHUR "Would you like to see my spaceship?" Really, what sort of chat up line is that? FORD More popular than you'd think. ARTHUR I've left messages, sent letters... It's like she's vanished off the face of the earth.
10 CONTINUED: 10
FORD
Hey, it happens. Speaking of... (pulling a blinking electronic device from his satchel) We've got two minutes. So drink up. There's a ROAR OF ENGINES and a LOUD CRASH outside. Arthur and everyone else in the pub look up. ARTHUR My house! He runs out. Ford rises, grabs two handfuls of peanuts from the bowl, tosses the barman all the money in his pocket. FORD A round for everyone, on me. BARMAN You really think the world's going to end? (Ford nods) Shouldn't we lie down or put a bag over our heads or something? FORD If you want. BARMAN Will it help? FORD Not really. He gives everyone in the bar a friendly salute, exits. BARMAN Last orders, then? 11 EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB - MID-DAY 11 Arthur runs up the road towards his house which is being bulldozed. Ford strides casually behind in the distance. ARTHUR STOP! STOP, YOU BASTARDS!! Arthur suddenly stops running and covers his ears as we hear THE LOUDEST RUMBLE IN MOTION PICTURE HISTORY. 11 a A GIGANTIC YELLOW SPACESHIP (picture a concrete tower 11 a block)) sweeps overhead. Ford hits the deck. Arthur is blown sideways. Trees are uprooted. Ford rises and hurries to the rubble that was Arthur's house. He digs around near the exposed toilet and comes up with — A TOWEL. He hurries to Arthur's side.
15 EXT. SATELLITE TRACKING STATION 15
A TECHNICIAN speaks urgently into a microphone while his co-workers watch the chaos on the monitors behind. TECHNICIAN Hello! Can you hear us? Please respond! 16 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 16 The VOGON BRIDGE is like a waterlogged old Skoda. JELTZ (INTO THE P.A.) There's no point in acting all surprised about it. The plans and demolition orders have been on display at your local planning office in Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge formal complaints. 17 EXT. FIELD BY ARTHUR'S HOUSE. CONTINUOUS 17 Ford grabs hold of Arthur's shirt, extends the Thumb. 18 INT. THE PUB. CONTINUOUS 18 PULL BACK FROM JUKE BOX. The pub seems deserted. VOGON CAPTAIN (through juke box) What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven's sake mankind, it's only four light years away you know. I'm sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs that's your own lookout. PULL BACK FARTHER - people lay on the ground with PAPER BAGS on their heads. 19 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE. - - CONTINUOUS 19 Jeltz turns. He's large, green and walrusy. JELTZ Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all. Energize the demolition beams. One of his walrusy FIRST OFFICERS pushes a yellow button. 20 BIG SHOT. FROM SPACE. LOOKING DOWN ON EARTH 20 As all the Vogon ships simultaneously send down a beam of yellow light. Glowing fireballs travel down the beams toward Earth. On impact, they bore into the surface. JELTZ (O.S.) Detonate.
20 CONTINUED: 20
Like a giant casino going down in Vegas, there are a few small explosions AMD THE EARTH IMPLODES. Just collapses in on itself. Gone. The Vogon ships slowly retreat in formation, leaving nothing but DARKNESS AND STARS. 21 Then a distant RED GLOW appears. As it gets nearer we 21 see that it says..."THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY." GUIDE VOICE The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book... The title draws nearer. We see that it sits on an electronic book with lots of buttons. GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D) ...Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. The book opens revealing TWO SCREENS. Images appear. A star map, layers of data, captions, video, animations... GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D) More popular than the CELESTIAL HOME CARE OMNIBUS, better selling than 53 MORE THINGS TO DO IN ZERO GRAVITY, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, WHERE GOD WENT WRONG, SOME MORE OF GOD'S GREATEST MISTAKES, and WHO IS THIS GOD PERSON, ANYWAY? Now the images rise up from the screen like holographs as the book "presents itself" like some hi-tech infomercial. GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D) In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom. For though it has many omissions, and contains much which is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper. And second, it has the words "DON'T PANIC" printed in large friendly letters on its cover. The book closes. The words "DON'T PANIC" appear just below the title, blinking like a tacky diner marquee. PULL BACK FROM THE GUIDE to find Arthur holding it, the blinking light illuminating his very disoriented face.
22 CONTINUED: ( 2 ) 22
FORD
In the storage hold of a Vogon constructor ship. Ford continues his search. Arthur's breathing quickens. ARTHUR Get me home. Ford. FORD Home? Arthur...your home... is... ARTHUR Oh God - it was demolished! I've got to reach my lawyer! He must be back from lunch by now... He pulls out his cell phone. Desperately punches numbers. Ford flips on a light switch, revealing a messy chamber full of alien junk and old mattresses. FORD You don't remember, do you? (taking his cell phone) Okay. I've got something to tell you. It ain't gonna be easy, but you're gonna have to just deal, okay? ARTHUR Good god. Is this really the interior of a flying saucer? FORD Yeah. Why? 23 SHOT: DEEP SPACE. THE VOGON FLEET IN FLIGHT 23 ARTHUR (V.O.) Well, it's a bit squalid isn't it? FORD (V.O.) Hey man, you're in denial. 24 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE 24 Jeltz consults one screen after another. At last he sees Ford and Arthur. His walrusy eyes narrow. 25 BACK IN THE SLEEPING QUARTERS - MINUTES LATER 25 ARTHUR Blown up? BLOWN UP?! Couldn't you have done something?!! FORD I did. I saved you.
25 CONTINUED: 25
ARTHUR
But there's six billion other people. FORD And all those ants. ARTHUR Yes, but ants aren't exactly people! FORD And now you're thinking like a Vogon. (before Arthur can respond) I saved your life, okay? Which makes us even. Next thing. Ford throws Arthur a towel. Arthur looks confused. FORD (CONT'D) It's a tough galaxy. You want to survive out here, you really gotta know where your towel is. Now gimme a hand over here. Arthur joins Ford near a rusty ventilation pipe. FORD (CONT'D) Careful, it's hot. He slides the towel behind the pipe, holding each end of it, Arthur does the same. FORD (CONT'D) We've got to get off this ship before the Vogons find us. Vogons hate hitchhikers. Which is why they make ships with walls that won't allow the Sub-Etna signal to pass through. So we've got to send the signal up and out if we wanna catch a ride. Pull. They both pull. A section of pipe snaps off. Steam shoots out. Ford holds the black Thumb under the pipe. ARTHUR What's a Vogon? FORD Ask the guide. Say "Vogons." Ford continues turning dials. Arthur lifts the Guide. ARTHUR "Vogons." The word "VOGONS" floats up into his field of vision. GUIDE VOICE Vogons.
25 CONTINUED: ( 3 ) 25
ARTHUR
That's it? That's all this idiotic book has to say about my home? "Harmless?" FORD Hey, there are a hundred billion stars in the Galaxy and only a limited amount of space in the book's microprocessors. No one knew much about Earth. That's why I was there. To expand the entry. I fired off a new one to the editor before I got stranded. ARTHUR What does it say now? FORD Mostly harmless. Before Arthur can react, a speaker HUMS to life with screeching HOWLS and GARGLES. Arthur cups his ears. ARTHUR Ahhh, what the hell is that?! FORD Here. Put this in your ear. Ford removes a small yellow fish from his pouch. He moves to put it in Arthur's ear. Arthur struggles. ARTHUR WHAT?...STOP!..DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH... The LOUD GARGLING NOISE continues. Ford has to wrestle to get the fish in Arthur's ear. JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
25 CONTINUED: ( 4 ) 25
Arthur doesn't want to hear any of this...pulls the fish back out of his ear. JELTZ {ON SPEAKER) (CONT'D)