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Covert narcissism and Fan Club of "Flying Monkeys"
- toxic "best friend".
I promised to write about a phenomenon that in the dynamics of a romantic relationship with a person with covert narcissism is called a "flying monkey". It’s useful to begin exploring the phenomenon knowing that strategies used by narcissists come from a family home, in which the child learned non-functional ways of interacting with people. One of such methods is triangulation, which in adulthood consists of involving a third party in a relationship with a romantic partner so that she can help manipulate the partner. I immediately point out that, although we often think of narcissists that they are pure evil, they undertake toxic actions automatically, because they just have it "embedded in the system".
The term "flying monkey" comes from the "Wizard of Oz", where obedient flying monkeys did dirty work on behalf of the witch. This term means abuse by a proxy to spread rumors, spying, and thus making it easier for a narcissist to control someone’s feelings and behavior. Triangulation can involve people from the close environment of the narcissist or his romantic partner, through which the narcissist influences opinions and decisions of the partner by creating confusion in her head or subtly transmits some harmful information or reminds of himself after parting, while being "innocent" himself. He often does this in order to isolate the partner from her social support system, arouse anxiety and destroy the sense of security. Flying monkeys can also act as pigeons, telling his partner how much the narcissist loves her, thus helping him to make another person dependent on him and hindering her potential departure. And when a narcissist feels that it is more difficult for him to control his partner, he willingly controls how others perceive him - by twisting the facts, he puts himself in a favorable light, usually as a victim of another person's bad behavior. Covert narcissists deeply inside feel weak and inferior, so they eagerly create love triangulations, in which they draw a third person to support narcissistic manipulations (to make the partner doubt her own
opinions, feel ashamed or not good enough so she would like to try harder to be "the only one" in the eyes of the narcissist). Narcissist may want to drag partner friends to his side - but please remember that in a healthy friendship in such a situation a friend would come to his friend (narc’s partner) to honestly and directly discuss with him rumors or unpleasant insinuations and to verify lies. Covert narcissists also willingly use their ex-partners or friends to confirm their opinions with the rightness of their own judgments and behaviors and arouse uncertainty or jealousy in their current partner.
Flying monkeys make the covert narcissist feel stronger. They may be gullible people who are unaware of what is really going on or not aware of being used and thinking that they are acting for a good cause. But they can also be toxic people who love manipulation, gossip and drama, and abuse of others. The smallest and also specific group of flying monkeys are those former partners of the covert narcissist, who have become his "best friends". Very often they serve to make the current partner jealous. Despite the fact that covert narcissists most often devaluate their exes, to whom they attribute the worst features and behaviors, sometimes after the breakup, the former partner becomes the "best friend" and still serves the covert narcissist as a secondary source of supply (providing interest, attention, recognition, warm feeling e.t.c.). Covert narcissists cannot truly forgive and they forgive less often than grandiose narcissists, so reconciliation after a traumatic relationship in which a covert narcissist always feels aggrieved, is rare and superficial. For this reason alone, remaining in a "deep friendship" after the end of a painful relationship, by definition stands on uncertain foundations. In such situations, the former narc's partner usually lacked the ability to separate herself from her ex (covert narcissist) and there is still a weird kind of attachment: "you will always be mine". It may happen that such a flying monkey still loves the covert narc and dreams that, remaining in his circle and suffering from jealousy she will finally turn out to be quite good, if not the best – to become his permanent partner again. Usually such a "best friend" is kept by covert narcissist so that in moments of boredom or some life crises she can be easily available source of sex and validation. Another type of ex who become the "best friend" of a covert narcissist are people who want to remain the most important to him, if only platonically.
This is a dangerous kind of triangulation when the former partner - the current "best friend" - is included in the relationship. The previous partner, who now plays the role of the best friend, often knows about the true nature of her past lover (covert narc) because she went through abuse herself and tried to understand. This is a rare group of flying monkeys who are aware of the truth about narcissist. The heart of a former partner may lack space for reconciliation with reality and true forgiveness, so she can get satisfaction from watching how subsequent attempts to shape a love life by a narcissist end in failure. And it can improve her self-esteem when others fail what she has failed. The emotional wound in the heart may not be healed and such a platonic "best friend" may also feel the "mission" to protect others from abuse, while remaining the most important orbit in the sky of the narcissist. Wanting to
“flying monkeys”. Regardless of the truth, such people will not believe in truth - if they play this role, then they are under the spell of a narcissist. Covert narcissists keep a "fan club" of people who agree with them and make them feel better with themselves. They allow the narcissist to believe that what he does is justified and normal, neutralizing his unacceptable behavior or justifying his actions. But narcissists do not respect or care for them. For a covert narcissist flying monkeys are like puppets on a string. When he wants, he can make scapegoats out of them. Only he and his narcissistic needs matter, and the whole world and people are to fulfill these needs. If friends disagree with the narcissist's point of view, they will easily become enemies or will be punished with silence until the narcissist decides that they may be useful to him. If a flying monkey, especially the accidental one, does the intended damage, the narcissist will easily reject such a person if she is no longer useful to him. And if she defends his romantic partner, she will soon be removed from triangulation or become a scapegoat. People with a strong mind do not become flying monkeys, and if, then unconsciously for a moment - because they can be independent in their own opinions and ready to oppose narcissist, if they see injustice.
The fake world of people with covert narcissism has its own laws, difficult to understand for people who have not grown up in a toxic family environment. If a romantic partner experiences triangulation and other unhealthy narcissistic abuses, she must let the truth and facts speak, and distance herself from unreliable people. Do not step into the shadow of toxic interpersonal systems and when a partner's best friend pulls her into confession, stand close to goodness and light and answer: "thank you, but I prefer to deal with it myself". This is exactly the opposite of what a narcissist does by feeding his monkeys by talking about someone behind him. If the flying monkey surprises narcissist’s partner by the question: "and did you know that _____ did this and that?" (something harmful to the partner), the partner should defend herself and her relationship from suspicion by not getting caught up in rumors, and ask the narc (her partner) for clarification. And if she lives in constant anxiety because of the lack of respect and other abuses – she should go away, because in a love relationship with a covert narcissist, apart from moments of pleasure, it can only be worse.
The relationship with a person with covert narcissism begins with an idyll and turns out to be a hell of a hardship. But it is not known how specific partners would cope with the challenges if the "best friend" was not allowed to intrigue. From such a love triangle in which at least two people have evil goals and the third is too emotionally disturbed to think rationally, nothing good can come out for narc’s partner. Everyone has the right to experience their love story in their own way, because we are different and we can learn from the painful stories other important lessons. One of them is to stand on the side of one's own values and learn assertive defense against attempts of triangulation.
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KATARZYNA LORECKA - Life & relationship mentor. Psychologist, therapist. I help in dealing with emotionally difficult situations in life and relationships. For years I have
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He/she loves me…? Likes me…? Respects me…?" - a compendium of knowledge about love
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