Kelly Larsen
A Search for A Self and Myself
I entered third grade innocent, in one piece, unbroken. I left a shell of myself, afraid, and
forever changed. Sure I had faced my stressors at school in the past, but I got through, I
managed. But it was different then. The pressure of third grade was astronomical to me, long
division, cursive, weekly poem recitations, long term projects; we had reached a whole new
world here. It all started with the expectation that I would always be the first student in the class
to perfectly recite the weekly poem from memory. After the first couple of weeks when I always
volunteered to go first and did the recitation well, there was this unspoken assumption from my
parents, my teacher, and me that I would recite the poem the day after it was given to us. This
alone was innocent enough, but it escalated into my need to be the best at long division, writing,
cursive, have the best projects and highest test scores. At first, not much was different because I
was used to being the best in the class without really trying too much but it soon turned into
obsession. I was plagued by the constant wonder of what would happen if I weren’t the smartest.
I was sure my parents would be disappointed and even worse, something horrific would happen
to me. What that “horrific” thing was I could not really tell you for sure, but I knew it would be
crippling.
I was convinced I was going to die. Or at least, if I didn’t die I would be doomed for all
eternity, beginning with my ultimate failure in school. I was only nine and yet I knew these
things to be true, certain. My one and only goal was to prevent my utter damnation, and each day
was simply another day to try and prevent the inevitable. I was alive, but I wasn’t living. I had
never questioned that this was, and would be my only reality. I was on a search for my own
invincibility. I created my shell of safety giving me an escape from the reality of my life at the
