Relationship Building: 201 Questions for Couples to Enhance Trust and Intimacy, Lecture notes of Communication

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201 Relationship Questions

The Couples Guide to Building Trust and

Emotional Intimacy

By Barrie Davenport

How to Use These Questions

Make this a project you and your partner undertake as a team. You both want to enter this work with the specific intention of strengthening and protecting your relationship, in addition to building intimacy and learning more about each other. These questions can be fun, humorous, and lightning, and deeply moving. You’ll be surprised at how much more you discover about yourself and about each other You also will be challenged to make some personal changes in your behaviors, habits, and words. The questions will reveal unmet needs and behavior change requests from both of you. You will want to discuss these needs and requests and what you are each willing to change or accommodate for the other. There might be needs you can’t fulfill or changes you’re unwilling to make, and this will require honest and open discussion, so you can mutually arrive at alternative solutions. There are 20 questions and topics in the book, each with 10 or more related questions and question prompts. Consider working through the topics during the next 20 days, asking each other the questions from one topic per day. You can follow the order the topics are presented, or choose the topic that feels most relevant to what’s going on in your relationship at the time. If there are section topics that don’t apply to you (for example, the section on parenting wouldn’t apply if you don’t have children), then feel free to skip over it. However, you still might find of the questions and your partner’s answers interesting and enlightening. Both of you should keep a journal to make notes about your partners responses and your own feelings after you complete the questions. You will also want to write down specific action steps both of you will take if a question prompts an adjustment in attitude, behavior, communication, or values. When you begin a topic, you will each ask and answer the same question, taking turns as the first person to answer a question. It’s often more difficult to be the first one to answer, as you might need time for your true feelings to bubble to the surface or you might feel reticent to be fully open in your response. Also your partners answers can influence your responses, so be mindful that your answers reflect your own true feelings and needs. Your partners answers or your own reactions might stimulate more questions or conversation between you, which can further develop connection and intimacy. Just be sure you listen intently to your partners responses without interrupting or getting distracted. Sit close together as you are asking and answering, holding hands or touching. Even if your partner’s answers makes you bristle or feel uncomfortable, try hard to simply listen without anger or judgment. Invite your partner to dig deeper and share more by asking, “Is there more?” once he or she answers the question. Keep asking this until your partner has nothing left to add. Should a question provoke tension, pain, or anger between the two of you, trying to ferret out the emotion behind the negative feelings. Ask your partner directly, “What is the emotion underneath your irritation? What was it about my response that made you feel upset?” In answering this, be careful not to project to blame or criticism on your partner, even if you feel he or she is at fault. Speak about your inner feelings, which requires being vulnerable rather than defensive. You might say something like, “When you tell me you need more attention from me, it makes me feel like I am not good enough and

specific action steps you both intent to take and when you intend to take them. Making these changes can take time, as we need repetition and reinforcement to solidify new behaviors. Set up a system of gentle reminders and accountability for each other, and be patient as you both strive to be a better, more attentive, loving partner for each other.

Section 2: Respect and Kindness

1. What specific actions and words make you feel respected?
2. How have you been disrespected in the past, and how did it make you feel?
3. Am I doing anything now to make you feel disrespected?
4. Are there any ways in which you feel undeserving of respect?
5. How can I support you in feeling more respected in this area?
6. What acts of kindness from me mean the most to you?
7. How have I unknowingly been less than kind to you?
8. How should I let you know that I feel you’re being unkind?
9. Do you see me as a kind person to you and others?
10. What acts of kindness or service could we perform together that would strengthen our relationship? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to respect and kindness? What specific action steps will you both take to help your partner feel more respect and kindness? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 3: Communication

1. How can we have more intimate conversations?
2. What should I do if I need you to talk more to me?
3. How can I let you know I don’t feel like talking?
4. How can I best communicate a problem or concern?
5. Is there anything about my tone of voice that bothers you?
6. What topics should we only discuss in person (not by text, email, or phone)?
7. Do you feel completely free to talk with me about anything?
8. Am I free to talk with you about anything?
9. What topics do you most enjoy discussing with me?
10. How can I listen to you better so you feel completely heard? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to communication? What specific action steps will you both take to help you both communicate better? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 5: Personal Boundaries

1. What should I never say to you in anger or playfulness?
2. Have you shared all your personal boundaries with me? If not, what are they?
3. Is there anything I do now that crosses your boundaries and makes you uncomfortable?
4. In what ways do you see me as a unique individual, separate and apart from our relationship?
5. Do you feel free to be yourself and express yourself with me? If not, why?
6. Is there anything about our sexual intimacy that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable? If so, what?
7. Are there any physical possessions or spaces in our home that you’d like to have as your own?
8. Do you ever feel uncomfortable saying “no” or speaking up for yourself with me? If so, why?
9. Where are you unwilling to compromise?
10. How should we handle it, if a boundary has been crossed? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to your personal boundaries? What specific action steps will you both take to help establish and honor boundaries? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 6: Sex and Affection

1. How often would you like to have sex?
2. What sexual fantasies do you have that we can enjoy together?
3. How can we improve our sex life?
4. Do you feel comfortable talking with me about your sexual needs? If not, why?
5. How much foreplay before sex is important to you?
6. How can I make you feel more desirable and sexy?
7. How much non-sexual affection would you like?
8. What kind of affection feels loving and good to you?
9. How much affection in public are you comfortable with?
10. When do you need affection the most? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to your sex life? What specific action steps will you both take to help enhance your sex life? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 8: Personal Habits

1. Do I have any personal habits that get on your nerves? If so, what are they?
2. How should I let you know about a habit of yours that bothers me?
3. Do you have any bad habits you feel you must hide from me?
4. What positive habits could we work on together?
5. What bad relationship habits have we developed that need to change?
6. What parenting habits have we developed that negatively impact our relationship?
7. How are we positive role models for our children, family, or friends with our habits?
8. Do I have emotional habits that drag you down or make you feel bad? If so what are they?
9. Are you comfortable with my hygiene and self-care? If not, what makes you feel uncomfortable?
10. How can we be more accepting of areas of incompatibility with our habits? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to personal habits? What specific action steps will you both take to improve your habits together and change habits that need changing? Write

these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 9: Disagreements and Differences

1. What do I say or do that really pushes your buttons?
2. What seems to be the recurring theme or themes in our conflict?
3. What makes you feel heard and understood when we have conflict?
4. When is the best time for us to resolve conflict?
5. How can you best manage anger or frustration so we can talk calmly?
6. What do you see as the major differences between us in the way we handle conflict?
7. Which of these differences do we need to work on for healing, resolving, or managing?
8. What should we do if we reach an impasse?
9. What can we promise each other that we will never say or do during times of conflict?
10. How can we reframe conflict to make it a positive opportunity or experience for us? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to disagreements and differences? What specific action steps will you both take to improve your conflict resolution and

both take to improve your compassion and understanding of each other and yourselves related to the past? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 11: Time Together and Alone

1. How much time do you think is optimal for us to spend together as a couple?
2. On a typical day, how would you like us to spend time together?
3. How much time do we need to spend talking about our relationship?
4. How much time is optimal for us to spend going out and having fun?
5. How much alone time do you need?
6. What triggers you to crave alone time?
7. How can I let you know I need alone time without hurting your feelings?
8. If we differ on the amount of time we need alone, how can we compromise?
9. How are we allowing our children, work, or other distractions or commitments to compromise our time together?
10. What are some specific actions we can take so we can enjoy more time together? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to spending time together or being alone? What specific action steps will you both take to improve your quality time

together and understanding of each other and yourselves related to your needs for alone time? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 12: Friends

1. How much time do you want to spend with your friends?
2. How should we handle it, if one of us feels resentful of time spent with friends?
3. Do I have any friends you don’t like or feel uncomfortable around? If so, why?
4. How often should we spend time with friends as couples?
5. What are your favorite things to do with our couple friends?
6. How often do you feel comfortable having friends in our home?
7. Which of our friends could you see us traveling with?
8. How do you feel about me having friends who are the opposite sex?
9. Do you feel jealous of any of my friendships, and if so, why?
10. How can we become better friends to each other? Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to friends and spending time with friends? What specific action steps will you both take to improve your understanding of each other and yourselves related to your friendships you have as a

Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to extended family and spending time with extended family? What specific action steps will you both take to improve your understanding of each other and yourselves related to your families and how you interact with them? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 14: Spiritual Life and Values

1. What are your top five personal values?
2. What should our most important values as a couple?
3. How are we prioritizing our values in our life and family?
4. What do we need to change to live closer to our values?
5. How important is your spiritual life, and how do you practice it?
6. What should we do as a couple to enhance our spiritual lives together?
7. If we don’t share the same spiritual or religious views, how is this impacting our relationship?
8. How would you react if my religious or spiritual views changed, and we no longer share the same views?
9. What religious or spiritual beliefs do you have from your primary family that might no longer work for you?
10. What spiritual or religious views do we want to teach our children?

Follow-up: Are there any behavior adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to your spiritual life and values? What specific action steps will you both take to improve your understanding of each other and yourselves related to your values and spirituality? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.

Section 15: Health and Fitness

1. What can we do as a couple to create a healthier lifestyle?
2. What physical activities could we do together to improve our fitness?
3. What specifically could we change about our eating habits or diet that would be healthier?
4. How should we handle it, if our health and fitness goals are different?
5. How do you want me to treat you, when you feel sick or have an illness?
6. Do I have any bad health habits that really bother you? If so, what are they?
7. How can I ask you to work on a bad health habit I observe in you?
8. How are we serving as healthy role models for our children and extended family and friends?
9. If you could improve one thing related to your health and fitness, what would it be?
10. How can I help and support you to achieve that one thing?